Stories of Healing: Maddy
Just a few years ago (2019), Maddy’s life looked vastly different. Her eating disorder left her feeling trapped in a world that felt small and without joy, connection and excitement. It was in Rock’s programs that Maddy began to see glimpses of hope for recovery. Through clinical treatment, faith support and the connection of a recovery community, Maddy found healing. Today she is living her life, not feeling trapped in her disorder, but instead living out her dream of pursuing a career as a journalist in Scotland!
Before recovery, my life was small. Not only physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually I had shrunk away from the world. My eating disorder, anorexia nervosa, was my world and it felt like I was on the outside looking in at every family gathering, brunch with friends and office lunch. Genuine excitement, joy and connection felt like things that I’d lost and were reserved for other people. Before recovery I felt trapped in a life I knew I didn’t want but couldn’t fight my way out of. I couldn’t figure out how I got to where I was or how life could ever look “normal” again.
At the recommendation of my dietician I registered for Rock Recovery’s Bridge to Life program to help confront “fear foods” and my general anxiety around food in social situations. In the weekly group meals I saw glimpses of what recovery could look like but was too terrified and uncertain to make the leap. After the holidays I joined Rock’s cohort of the New ID course and my eyes were opened to what felt like the missing piece in my recovery journey – my faith. Before then it never occurred to me that in all my struggling, grasping, fear, despair and anger I could invite God in. I didn’t have to “fix” it myself. In finding and fostering my faith, Rock gave me the solid foundation from which to build my recovery on. The course taught me that healing is tricky. We can’t simply ask to be healed. We must want it, fight for it and surrender to it. Every day.
After New ID I was still working in recovery and my personal faith journey when I joined the newly launched Set Free program. The virtual group provided a space to reflect on a piece of scripture and how it applies to recovery and then reflect on our past week. In this time, we celebrated our triumphs and sat in each other’s heartache. The kindness, empathy and patience of the Rock group leaders created a beautiful space for community to thrive and was truly the first time I felt the benefits of group therapy in the sense of connection to the women around me and God’s unfailing love and presence.
Since Rock I’ve moved abroad to Edinburgh, Scotland where I’m now completing a Masters degree in Digital Sociology from the University of Edinburgh and working part-time as a journalist. Getting my Masters abroad is something I’ve always been excited by but felt impossible during my eating disorder. As I grew stronger in recovery, I began to rediscover the things that I was truly passionate about. Little by little, my world got bigger.
When I received a message from Rock asking to share about my experience I was on my way home from a night at a friend’s flat spent having pizzas with classmates from all over the world. I thought of my first time walking into Rock Recovery for meal support group when I saw Domino’s pizza on the table and cried the whole way home that night. Reflecting on this I was moved to tears once more, this time in appreciation of God’s grace and profound gratitude for living a life grounded in faith and freedom.
In deciding whether to share my story I came across the following quote from Glennon Doyle:
“Our stories matter. We must keep telling our stories – even when it’s scary – because we must constantly remind each other that we are not alone down here…so we can see each other, for once. So we can all be less afraid.”
To anyone struggling with an eating disorder, working through recovery or just putting one step in front of the other – I see you. It’s hard. And it’s worth it. – With love, Maddy (Program Graduate, 2020)