Stories of Healing: Steffanie
Steffanie came to Rock Recovery in the throes of a lifelong battle with an eating disorder, certain she would never find recovery but desperate to try. She dreamed of starting a family but knew that she needed to be in a healthier place, mentally and physically. It was during that first night at Rock that Steff found that hope she’d been searching for in the form of ten amazing women who vowed to walk with her through each step of her recovery journey. Today, Steff is enjoying all that motherhood has to offer with her sweet son, and she continues her pursuit of full recovery and lasting freedom.
“‘Tears, warm tears streamed down my face while walking back from Chipotle on the streets in D.C. in the pouring rain. The weight of the bag of food felt like nothing I’ve carried before. Each step I took was harder to move forward, but I kept going. I don’t remember the last time tears streamed down my face like this. What an unusual feeling. For so long I have just been ignoring my feelings- shoving them deep inside to hide from the world. They feel safer there. Unjudged, not ridiculed. Safe and quiet. Wearing your feelings makes you vulnerable. It makes it easy to get shattered and broken, but that’s why I am here.’
That was part of my journal entry from the first night attended Rock Recovery on May 31, 2018. Like Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” I had finally made myself vulnerable. I have struggled for 20+ years of my life with a never-ending torturous illness called Anorexia Nervosa. It had literally consumed my life, inside and out, and I was positive that I would never rid it. I knew it was going to hang around for the long haul.
I started attending Rock Recovery because while I knew I would most likely never be fully recovered, I had a little glimmer of hope that I could still get to a better place than where I was. I had a dream of starting a family with my wife, but it was clear to me that I couldn’t do that while completely engrossed in my eating disorder. If I wanted a child, I needed to be in a stable place where I could be a role model. That was my goal- a family, but I knew I couldn’t achieve it on my own. I needed a greater support network, and that’s when Rock entered my life.
Each week I continued to attend the meal support group in D.C. with Rock for the next 1 ½ years, regardless of the constant anxiety, fear, and waves of nausea that came over me prior to each and every group. I just kept repeating to myself, “What comes easy, won’t last. What lasts, won’t come easy.” The toughest and most challenging obstacles that we overcome in life will be the most meaningful.
It was difficult, but achievable thanks to Rock. With the support of Rock I was able to overcome many anxieties, conquer numerous amounts of fear foods, and tackle hundreds of extremely difficult and vulnerable conversations. No matter how much I struggled, I always knew I could count on Rock to help move forward. That very first night of group in May 2018, I found a group of strong women that vowed to stay by my side through thick and thin, and that they did. The women of Rock have given me hope, strength, and my life back. We shared many difficult times, but also celebrated an uncountable amount of triumphs together.
Thanks to these incredibly strong women and Rock Recovery, I am finally in a healthy place and am going to achieve my dream of becoming a mom. My wife and I look forward to welcoming our son into this world on May 7, 2020, and I strongly feel that Rock Recovery played a huge role in allowing me to achieve this dream.
Although I would not consider myself fully recovered, I am a lot farther along in recovery than I have been in 20+ years. I thank everyone who helped me make this dream come true, for you will always have a special place in my heart.
“Everyday may not be a good day, but there is good in everyday.”
Love Always, Steffanie (Program Graduate)