Stories of Healing: Addy

Addy never thought that she was someone who struggled with disordered eating. To her, the compulsive exercise and restrictive rules around food were normal. She lived disconnected from her body for almost 10 years before seeking help. Finally, on one sunny Fall afternoon, Addy found Rock through a community event. It was in Rock’s program that she found the support she needed to take her next step towards freedom.

Almost exactly three years ago, I was running a half marathon in Central Park when my right hip gave out from underneath me. After hours of resisting, I finally went to the emergency room, where they told me it was broken and that I would need emergency surgery that night. My first question to the doctor: “How long until I can work out again?”

After surgery, my friend came over to cook me dinner, and when I watched her put butter in the pan — instead of my low calorie vegan butter replacement — I started crying.

I was 21 years old and already had lived for nearly a decade with strict, restrictive food rules, and had begun compulsively exercising. I was so disconnected from my own body that I didn’t even notice any warning signs as a stress fracture in my hip progressed to the point of serious injury.

It should’ve been the wakeup call I needed, but it took me many more months to really get help. After I moved to DC, I refused to travel to visit friends because I was concerned about not being able to get to the gym. I counted calories obsessively, cried once at my desk after eating two Starbursts, and built workouts around burning off whatever I had specifically eaten that day. I hated and distrusted my body.

Finally, I found an individual therapist, who helped me begin to heal my relationship with food and exercise. About a year later, when a friend wanted to run a 5K, I found Rock Recovery. Before the run, I heard Christie talk about the Bridge to Life program. It sounded incredible, but I didn’t think I was sick enough for that kind of help.

A couple months later, in a low moment, I dug out the brochure and called them. I wept on the phone when Diana said I sounded like a good fit for the program. When I said I couldn’t afford the fee, she offered me a deeply discounted rate so I could join.

I still worried I wasn’t sick enough, that I didn’t deserve help, but I am so glad I pushed through that feeling, because a year after I joined Rock, my life has completely changed. Our meals together helped me unpack my restrictive food rules, and our discussions not only changed my relationship with food, exercise, and my body, but fundamentally upended the way I saw and related to the world around me. I learned about the science of intuitive eating. I started to relinquish my perfectionist grip on exercise. Group also gave me the language to speak to my loved ones about what I was going through for the first time, and for that I am infinitely grateful.

There are so many moments from our group that stand out in my mind. I think almost every day about the time one wise group member helped me reframe loving my body: It didn’t mean I thought my body was perfect, but rather that I deserved to treat it with love. I think about that nearly every day, and months after graduating from the group, I still speak often to the women I met, and we all try to guide each other from afar.

I don’t think that it’s any coincidence that, after several months in group, as I began to apply the principles I’d learned to my life, I was offered a dream job, I got out of a relationship that wasn’t right for me, and started to build the life I really wanted. Every day is not perfect. I still struggle, but finally I have the coping mechanisms and the support system I need to not only survive but to thrive.